★★★★★
Many of the Real Housewives have attempted to branch out into other careers, including music, but not all of them have made it. Heck, some of them can’t even get into Chanel stores. Meanwhile, Countess Luann has been releasing bops since 2010 and has just played at sold-out venues all across the UK, including Manchester’s iconic Albert Hall.
The Countess’ latest tour, Marry F Kill!, is billed as “an all-new Countess cabaret” and directed by Richard J Alexander. The show, which sees Luann accompanied by a live band, is, essentially, a night of songs and stories, with each song broken up with a story about The Real Housewives of New York City, Luann’s dramatic romantic life, or some other antics. The screen at the back of the stage is used extensively, with iconic scenes from RHONY played early on, much to the enthusiasm of the Real Housewives-obsessed audience.
Desperate Housewives is my all-time favourite TV series, so when my mother began watching Real Housewives all those years ago, I was very intrigued. I’m not much of a reality TV fan – which is ironic because I worked in it, though I seldom watched anything I worked on! – but I love me some Real Housewives. Perhaps it’s because, in a way, it feels like scripted TV series, à la Sex and the City (especially RHONY) – or, indeed, Desperate Housewives. That is to say, the drama in Real Housewives is so intense that it is hard to believe it’s real – but it is! These women are crazy!
Luann de Lesseps is, without a doubt, one of the most popular Housewives from the entire franchise, which is evident by the success of this tour. How many other Housewives are selling out iconic venues in foreign countries?!
The show’s opening act was Jonbers Blonde, who is best-known for placing joint-3rd on series 4 of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK and 9th on series 2 on RuPaul’s Drag Race: UK vs. the World. Jonbers’ DJ set was exhilarating. She knew her audience because she is the audience. It was banger after banger for the gals, gays and theys. She looked gorgeous in her sparkly dress and blonde wig.
The Countess arrived onstage in a ball gown and jewels. She opened her show with the title song, ‘Marry F Kill’, before addressing the audience. She then took us back in time and performed her third single, ‘Girl Code’. It’s always good to sing a hit early on – you get the audience super excited.
The concert also included lots of covers, including ‘Light My Fire’ by The Doors (which saw Luann play the drums) and ‘Flowers’ by Miley Cyrus. Quite the mix – but it worked.
Luann then sent one of her gays out into the audience to play a game of Marry F Kill. First, some in the audience had to give her options, and then she selected names from a fish bowl for some in the audience to answer. One of the best rounds was the presidential one – a guy offered Luann Biden, Trump and Sanders!
“Let’s pretend that Biden gets [back] into the White House, I’m gonna marry him ‘Cause I wanna have the most fabulous parties… I’m gonna kill Trump” – the audience cheered! – “So, who am I f*cking?”
“Bernie Sanders,” the guy told her, much to her horror.
Luann then addressed the Cameo that made her go viral: “Keep on serving c*nt”. As she left the stage for a costume change, a remix-song of the line was played, with video footage of Luann saying the now-iconic line, RHONY, people lip syncing the line on TikTok, and just random fun videos, including an 80s exercise class. It was sickly camp. It also featured the video of Luann trying to get a selfie with Andrew Lloyd Webber as he deejayed (and “C*NT” was plastered over him!).
The Countess came back onstage in a sparkly black jumpsuit, hot pink feather boa, and sunglasses. She performed her second single, ‘Chic C’est la Vie’, which, like her first, serves as an extension of the topics and themes explored in her book, Class with the Countess: How to Live with Elegance and Flair. She then bored of the scarf and placed it around the spectacled guy on keys (Musical Director Brian Nash), who pretended to be Elton. Camp.
Act 1 was closed with a cover of Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman!’
For act 2, the Countess wore a Tina Turner-esque, sparkly, silver dress that showed off her envious figure (this woman is almost 60!). The dress was intentional, for she opened the act with Turner’s ‘What’s Love Got to Do with It?’
The second act was made up entirely of covers: Nancy Sinatra’s ‘These Boots are Made for Walkin”, Elton John and Dua Lipa’s ‘Cold Heart (Pnau remix)’, and Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Dreams’. She closed the act with Soft Cell’s cover of Gloria Jones’ ‘Tainted Love’ – with some of The Supremes’ ‘Where Did Our Love Go’, which features on the 12″ single version of Soft Cell’s cover. Luann’s choice of songs was eclectic, capturing her electric personality.
The act also included a love notes lesson – one of which was an encouragement to buy her book. Shameless. I love it.
Luann ended the act by asking, “How are you feeling? Are you ‘Feelin’ Jovani’?” She left the stage as the music video played.
Luann, I love ya, but I will never, ever forgive you for not singing my favourite Real Housewives song live. I thought about taking away a star but I’m not that petty. I’m not Bethenny.
The encore saw the Countess arrive onstage in a wedding gown – like a literal, actual wedding gown, complete with not only a veil but also a fricken cape, and of course a bouquet – as Felix Mendelssohn’s ‘Wedding March’ played. The thrice-divorced diva lifted her veil and asked, “And would I do it again, bitches? Hell yes!” She then turned around and threw the bouquet behind her but failed miserably, with the bouquet just flopping over the stage. It was so wonderfully Luann. Instantly iconic.
The encore was, of course, Luann’s signature song, her debut single, ‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’ – but it can buy you a ticket to see the Countess in all her glory, and she is worth every penny and more (not that I paid).
Countess Luann’s UK tour is now over but Marry F Kill! tours the US from June 20 to August 4.
Photo: Jay Darcy
JADAR 